Lesbian Advice #7: Can I Be In Love With An Older Woman?

Disclaimer: This advice column is completely confidential - all questions are anonymous and the author will never reveal an inquirer's identity. All Things Lesbian and its contributors are not responsible for the personal interpretation of any advice given. Advice written here is the opinion and suggestion of the author, and the decision on whether to take said advice is completely down to the individual reader. We're not professionals - we're simply here trying to make things a little easier for you. Enjoy!

Question 1: Can I love a woman 30 years my senior?

Q: Hi, I found your blog and I really want a second opinion from you.

Back in 2006, I started playing soccer. Ever since I saw my soccer coach for the first time I have not been able to get her out of my head! 7 years later and still she's my "platonic" love, but I think it's more than that because I have feelings for her. It's out of this world how my world turns round whenever I'm near her.

She's not my coach anymore, she's my team mate, and oh! Did I mention she was 50 years old? I'm 19! And I'm head over heels for her. She drives me insane. I would just like to know if you think it's just puppy love or if I could honestly have feelings for her.

- L

A: There are a lot of factors here. Perhaps you do have feelings for this woman. We've all had a crush on a teacher. We've all had a crush on Jennifer Beals and she's 49!

I'm not one to say that age really matters though. I think you can fall in love with someone no matter their age... but I don't think that's the problem here. What would worry me if I were in this situation would be whether or not I should act on my feelings.

Teachers and coaches are all different about where they stand on dating students and dating former students. As far as I'm aware, there is nothing specifically illegal about dating a former teacher. However, personal morals and ethics differ greatly from person to person.

I would say that if you really think you like this woman, you should try hitting on her. But the best thing to do if she rejects you is not take it personally. You have to respect that this woman may feel that this would violate her personal code of ethics. Do not attempt to persuade and coerce. And if rejection is what you're hit with, deal with it appropriately. Good luck!


Question 2: How can I get through to my ex?

Q: Where to start? I moved to ex's last city in 1998. We continued to have a relationship for about 10 years. But then things got real bad for me. I shut everyone out including my ex. I went away, got my life together, and came back to try and get her back.

I started writing her and she received my mail for about 7 months. She would not talk to me. Recently I saw her and she stared until I made eye contact. Then she rolled her eyes and even more recently closed the PO Box I was using to write to her. She's had that PO Box since 1997.

Did I mention that I used to be a jerk? But I apologized and I want to show her that I'm a different person. Why not just write or call to say stop? Why the extreme? My therapist thinks it's because she's still in love with me but doesn't know what to do about it. What do you think?

- Confused!

A: Okay, I gotta be real blunt here. Just cut it out and move on.

If this woman wanted to speak to you, she would. There are probably underlying reasons of why she doesn't reply. Maybe all she can remember is one particular bad incident that you've completely forgotten about. Maybe she vowed to cut you out of her life when you left all those years ago. Whatever it is, it's time to move on.

Rather than focusing on making her see the new you, teach someone else about what a great person you are now. Hopefully your ex will have accepted your apology and you can move on to new things. It's never healthy to fight for something you probably won't realistically get (I speak from personal experience!) I know that sounds quite brutal, but it's 100% true from what I have seen myself.

Remember that there are always bigger and brighter things just around the corner! Good luck!

***

We love answering your questions here at All Things Lesbian!

To get your question in for the January 2014 issue of All Things Lesbian's advice column, email allthingsles@gmail.com in which your email will remain completely anonymous!

(If your problem was not answered in this issue, it will be carried over to an upcoming month. Some questions may not be published at all, but ATL tries our best to reply to each and every email, so send in your questions now! What have you got to lose?)

Lesbian Advice #6: How Do You Avoid Lesbian Drama?

Disclaimer: This advice column is completely confidential - all questions are anonymous and the author will never reveal an inquirer's identity. All Things Lesbian and its contributors are not responsible for the personal interpretation of any advice given. Advice written here is the opinion and suggestion of the author, and the decision on whether to take said advice is completely down to the individual reader. We're not professionals - we're simply here trying to make things a little easier for you. Enjoy!

Question 1: Does My Boyfriend Really Understand What It Means To Be Bisexual?

Q: I've been dating a guy for over a year and a half, and within that time I have come to terms with my bisexuality. He is supportive of me but I'm never sure if he understands the extremity of this self-discovery. We have never been fully compatible but we enjoy each other's company; I just don't know what to do in this situation. (I have asked my friends but they don't really have any concept of the coming out process.) Any advice would be GREATLY appreciated.

- H

A: This question sounds a little ambiguous to me. Are you asking how you can help your boyfriend to understand what a big deal this is to you? Or are you questioning whether you are happy with him?

Let's answer both sides of the question and see if that helps.

If you're simply wanting to help him understand the extremity of your new found identity, there is no other way than to sit down and really talk to him about it. And I mean TALK. Get everything off your chest. Don't avoid little details because you don't think they're important. In the end if he doesn't really get it, does it really matter that much in the grand scheme of things? I'd suggest that what is most important is that you are comfortable with yourself. You need to fully come to terms with things such as your sexual orientation in order to even slightly help others to understand. Start off with really thinking about what being bisexual means to you.

In regards to questioning how right you are for each other, think about how you feel about him. Do you think about him when you close your eyes above all other people in the world? You say you're not fully compatible but you enjoy each other's company. Think about whether or not this relationship feels like it would be better as just friends to you. Of course this is going to be hard - you've spent over a year of your life by his side! - but wouldn't you rather be 100% happy with who you choose to be with, male or female?

Hopefully some of these tips will help you come to a proper conclusion. Good luck!

Question 2: LESBIAN DRAMA!

Q: How do you avoid lesbian drama?

- @TheC_Spot via Twitter

A: If any lesbian knew the sure-fire answer to this question, I'm pretty sure they'd be labelled a Goddess.

Honestly, whether you're a lesbian or not you're going to be hit by drama once in a while. The only way to avoid it completely for your entire life is to become a hermit with no friends.

However, there have been a series of things I've attempted to do in the past that seem to work pretty well. 

Firstly, don't pick sides. Ever! If two of your friends try and drag you into their argument, simply stay out of it, even if you do have an opinion. Be supportive to both friends, but never get personally involved. That's my main rule.

Secondly, stop bitching! If you have a problem with someone, arrange to talk to them. TALKING IS THE BEST MEDICINE. Don't back stab your former girlfriend because of something she did. Let her know that she has upset you TO HER FACE. Everyone can respect someone that stands up and is honest about their feelings. No one likes a bitch. It's that simple.

Again, there is no way to avoid drama. I'm sure you all know that straight people, gay men, bisexuals, pansexuals, HUMANS... they all have drama too! It's unavoidable. But hopefully the things mentioned above will help you at some point in your life.

***

We love answering your questions here at All Things Lesbian!

To get your question in for the December issue of All Things Lesbian's advice column, email allthingsles@gmail.com in which your email will remain completely anonymous!

(If your problem was not answered in this issue, it will be carried over to an upcoming month. Some questions may not be published at all, but ATL tries our best to reply to each and every email, so send in your questions now! What have you got to lose?)

Lesbian Advice #5: How Do I Come Out To My Parents?

Disclaimer: This advice column is completely confidential - all questions are anonymous and the author will never reveal an inquirer's identity. All Things Lesbian and its contributors are not responsible for the personal interpretation of any advice given. Advice written here is the opinion and suggestion of the author, and the decision on whether to take said advice is completely down to the individual reader. We're not professionals - we're simply here trying to make things a little easier for you. Enjoy!

Question 1: Coming Out.

Q: I'm only 14 years old, but I'm struggling with coming out to my parents. Any advice on how to do this?

- Anonymous

A: Many of us (the LGBTQ crowd, that is), have had experience with this. The honest truth is, there's no correct answer. But don't let that scare you!

Coming out to your parents can be one of the most important things you'll ever have to do. Others live their entire lives without telling anyone except their close friends. One thing is obvious: most people regard their parents' opinion as valuable, hence why people see coming out to them as something they need to do right.

Sometimes, coming out to your parents can be easy.

For example, a relative of mine was once wearing a pin which read "Friend of Dorothy". (Subtle, right?) Anyway, once his Father saw the accessory, this is how the conversation went:

Father: Does that mean you're gay?
Relative: Yes, can I go in the bath now?

That was genuinely the entire conversation. I kid you not, some parents will take it as lightly as that. Others, however, will react differently. My experience with coming out to my parents, for instance, was not so plain sailing. But at the end of the day, your parents will still love you.

No matter what their religious beliefs, political background, personal upbringing, etc., your parents will love you even if your sexuality is hard for them to understand. And anyway, at the end of the day, it's your own happiness that really matters.

I'd suggest dropping subtle hints if you're not entirely comfortable with just telling them flat out. Replace that Channing Tatum poster on your bedroom wall with a picture of your favourite lady. If you're feeling bold, stick a pride flag up there. Ask them in conversation what they think about the debate on gay marriage.

My one main piece of advice would be to remember this: it gets better. It's a cliché  but it's so true. Even if they take it badly, one day you will be free to leave the restraints of your home and socialize with other like-minded people. Don't worry, you're not stuck there forever.

And who knows? Maybe your parents have already taken the hint!

Question 2: Why Does She Make Me Feel Invisible?

Q: I have been with my girlfriend for three years. We seem to fight a lot. We are going to try living apart and dating. But I'm wondering a couple of things... When we meet her friends, people she knows, or anyone we talk to, she: 1) Doesn't introduce me. And 2) Will keep standing between me and the people she talks to. It makes me feel really sad and invisible. Why does she do that?

 - C

A: This one hits home pretty hard for me too, actually.

I was once in a relationship with a girl who tried to shield me away from the people she spoke to. However, it turned out in this instance that she was just over-protective. Maybe your girlfriend is the same. Some people can feel threatened and believe that people will find you more interesting or attractive when compared to them.

However, there are a multitude of reasons that could be causing her to keep you at a distance. 

The only way to get these questions answered is to ask her directly. I understand that this may be hard for you, but if you let her know that it upsets you, maybe she'll back off a little. This sounds like something you can solve easily if you only let her know about how you feel.

Talking things out is really underrated. If only someone had told George Bush Jr. that... But I digress.

Good luck!

***

We love answering your questions here at All Things Lesbian!

To get your question in for the October issue of All Things Lesbian's advice column, email allthingsles@gmail.com in which your email will remain completely anonymous!

(If your problem was not answered in this issue, it will be carried over to an upcoming month. Some questions may not be published at all, but ATL tries our best to reply to each and every email, so send in your questions now! What have you got to lose?)

Lesbian Advice #4: Am I Asexual?

Disclaimer: This advice column is completely confidential - all questions are anonymous and the author will never reveal an inquirer's identity. All Things Lesbian and its contributors are not responsible for the personal interpretation of any advice given. Advice written here is the opinion and suggestion of the author, and the decision on whether to take said advice is completely down to the individual reader. We're not professionals - we're simply here trying to make things a little easier for you. Enjoy!

Question 1: Does She Really Like Me?

Q: I met this girl. She already knew me because she recognized me from a Christian gathering. We became friends pretty quickly, like more quickly than with most people I usually meet. We're very comfortable with each other and there is no awkwardness at all, except when we're leaving each other (weird, right?)

I'm not exactly the type of person people can get close to so easily. I never talk about what I feel with other people, but with her I'm easily able to just say it. I find myself reading her texts over and over again sometimes, and hoping that she would text me, even when I ended the conversation.

The thing I'm confused about is that I don't exactly feel the usual "crush" feelings I get when I like someone. Usually when I like somebody, I am quiet and reserved around my friends if they're near, and I'll often look down. I'll also be nervous, and my heart would race faster. With this girl, I am not at all shy, or nervous. I am very open and happy around her. I don't feel like I like her, but there's just something that makes me want to be around her, to hold hands with, or to talk with. Is it normal to not feel nervous, or experience that feeling of adrenaline rush through your body when you like someone?

I'm not sure if she's even gay, because she is a religious Christian (also from Korea, the land where gays do not exist in their eyes). However, she has shown signs that are usually perceived as being interested in someone, or even liking them.

It also makes me wonder why I'm gay. Like, am I gay because I yearn for the care that girls are able to show to you that guys can't? Because I'm not sexually attracted to girls, I'm emotionally attracted to them. With guys, I'm sexually attracted but not emotionally. It's all very confusing to me.

But I’d like your opinion. Does it seem like she's just being super friendly towards me, or is there something beneath what she's doing?*

- F

*This question has been edited due to length and structure.

A - Hmm, where to start?

First of all, the way you describe her actions towards you does make it sound like this girl is into you. However, we all know that when we like someone, we can sometimes amplify or modify the meaning behind these actions. In other words, we often see what we want to see.

The only thing to do is make a move and see how it goes. Maybe you should ask about her feelings towards homosexuality before doing so. Remember: Not all Christians have negative views towards our people! Some, you will find, are very accepting. Figure out her stance first.

As for your 'not being sexually attracted to girls' but being emotionally attached, I think I can shed some light here. I'm no expert in this area, but it sounds to me that you're what some would label a 'romantic asexual' when it comes to girls. What I mean by that is you do not find yourself sexually attractive to women, but rather you want to do smaller things; cuddle, hold hands, form deep bonds and connections.

Again, I'm not an expert in this field, but you can click HERE for some awesome information on asexuality and its twists and turns.

Good luck with the girl and be fearless!

Question 2: Is There Any Point In Trying?

I am a 22 year old femme who decided to try online dating. I was suspicious at first, but then I met this soft butch girl who lived about 40 miles from me and is 20 years old. She said she had just gotten out of a bad relationship.

We instantly made a connection and she seemed too good to be true. After talking online for hours upon end, she asked me out on a date. I was still nervous, so I asked to speak to her on the phone. We talked on the phone for a few days and video chatted and facebooked, and after a week of talking to her every night, I felt comfortable enough to meet her.

She said she really liked me, and I felt the same way. I was having very strong feelings for her, and was excited we shared the same values. After two weeks of talking to her and getting ready to meet her for the first time, she texts me and tells me her ex found about me and is really angry. She said that she came to her house after seeing our posts on facebook and flipped out, begging for her to take her back. This girl had cheated on her with men, and they had a bad relationship for a year and a half. They had agreed to just be friends.

Now the girl I was talking to said that she realized she had unresolved feelings for her ex and that she was sorry but she couldn't meet me. But that she would like to stay friends and thinks I'm an amazing person and she still really likes me.

Personally I think that she had sex with her ex and is confused now...I'm so upset because we really had this connection that I have never experienced before. I still really like her... should I just give up, or do you think possibly she will come to her senses? And if she does, should I try again or is she just an immature bitch?

Thanks,

Confused Femme

A: This situation sounds like it sucks for you, so firstly, I'm sorry to hear that.

It does sound like you really like this girl, but her head (and possibly her heart) are elsewhere. I have been in the same type of situation many a time and unfortunately it'll happen more often than you think.

It looks like you have two choices: keep in contact, hoping that she will soon return to feelings you have for her, or move on. If it were me, I'd opt for moving on. If she really does have unresolved feelings for her ex, there's not much you can do other than let her figure it out. It may not end in your favour, but at least you'll not be stuck with the thought of "when I'm with her is she just thinking about her ex?" And that is something no one wants on their mind.

But who knows? Maybe she'll realize just how much she likes you and give it a shot. Only time will tell in this case, I'm afraid.

***

We love answering your questions here at All Things Lesbian!

To get your question in for the July issue of All Things Lesbian's advice column, email allthingsles@gmail.com in which your email will remain completely anonymous!

(If your problem was not answered in this issue, it will be carried over to an upcoming month. Some questions may not be published at all, but ATL tries our best to reply to each and every email, so send in your questions now!)

Lesbian Advice #3: Where's the Butch of My Dreams?

Wow, it feels longer than a month since we last answered your questions!

Let's dive right in and do this.

Disclaimer: This advice column is completely confidential - all questions are anonymous and the author will never reveal an inquirer's identity. All Things Lesbian and its contributors are not responsible for the personal interpretation of any advice given. Advice written here is the opinion and suggestion of the author, and the decision on whether to take said advice is completely down to the individual reader. We're not professionals - we're simply here trying to make things a little easier for you. Enjoy!

Question 1: How To Get Over This Guilt...

Q: Being confused about my sexuality, I did what was expected of me and dated boys. As part of that, I lost my virginity to one and had a regular heterosexual relationship with him for about 9 months. It was never easy for me and ultimately helped me figure myself out.

But now I cannot get this out of my head and I feel awful and trashy because of it. I have nightmares about it, like I was being raped. A lot of guilt and shame. Like I cheated on myself. Any advice on how to get past this?

Thank You,

E

A: Thank you for your question - it's a very important one that I'm sure a few more people out there need he answer to!

Firstly, we should take note of the word 'confused'. If you were confused at the time, clearly you'd have wanted to experiment and find out what you like. And there is 100% nothing wrong with doing that. Some people just need that extra reassurance and have to make sure they're positive when making such a big life discovery.

You should definitely not feel guilty or shameful about what you did in your past. It sounds like the heterosexual relationship you decided to get involved in was a natural progression in your life. In other words, don't put yourself down and have no regrets. At least now you're sure and that's what matters. 

Good luck!

Question 2: Want butch, stuck with femme.

Q: I've finally admitted to myself that I'm a lesbian yay me! I also have my first legit girlfriend who I love more than anything...  but the thing is as I become more aware of myself I become more aware of my preference. She is everything I want in a woman but she's not that butch. I mean yes I'm using labels. I'm a femme, I like butch women and it's not just about the look, it's everything that comes with it. The walk, the talk, the assurance. There are things she doesn't have that I need.

She's very passive; that's not good for me because I have a dominant personality. I feel like I have to wear the pants and that puts me off. Anyway, I've been thinking about going on a break and exploring but we’re planning to move in together sooner or later. I think about this a lot but i'm very wishy washy: sometimes she's my rock and sometimes I don't know what to do.

Anyway I'm plus sized and I don't have the prettiest face in the world. My body and image isn't the way I want it and to be honest I don't think the type of woman that I'm seeking will want someone like me. I mean let’s face it, attractive people are attracted to other attractive people. That's another reason I feel kind of stuck. My goal is to look the way I want by my 21st birthday and see where things take me then.

What should I do? I love her, I don't want to let her go, I don't want to hurt her... but I want to see what's out there. Any advice for me?*

A: Wow what is a complicated life you have!

It sounds to me like you're extremely fixated on the external. Maybe you should look to the internal. Do you like who your girlfriend is as a person? Do you like her personality? Or would you rather just be friends? Because to me, it sounds like the latter.

One thing I always advice against is 'going on a break'. To me (remember: don't take my words as gospel!) going on a break is just a transition between being together and breaking up. Breaks usually ultimately end with the end of a relationship. 

If you are really unhappy with this relationship, there's nothing to do but break it off. And dear GOD, don't move in with her. That's where things could really get messy. It's understandable that you wouldn't want to hurt someone you care for so much, but in this instance, it seems like you need to let her down easily.

In terms of your own body type, don't put yourself down! Women come in all shapes and sized, and self-hatred is not going to get you anywhere. Do what makes you happy. If that's going on a diet and hitting a gym, then go for it! It can be a great confidence boost. If being happy means eating cakes and watching television, that's fine too!

At the end of the day, everyone's just looking to be loved. You never know, the woman of your dreams might pop up when you least expect it...

*This question has been edited due to length and structure.

***

We love answering your questions here at All Things Lesbian!

To get your question in for the April issue of All Things Lesbian's advice column, email allthingsles@gmail.com in which your email will remain completely anonymous!

(If your problem was not answered in this issue, it will be carried over to an upcoming month. Some questions may not be published at all, but ATL tries our best to reply to each and every email, so send in your questions now!)

Lesbian Advice #1: Ex Dilemmas & Identity Questions

Welcome to the first issue of All Things Lesbian's new advice column!

We decided to start this monthly article after being repeatedly asked for advice, and what better way to answer them than on the blog, right?

So, without further ado:

Disclaimer: This advice column is completely confidential - all questions are anonymous and the author will never reveal an inquirer's identity. All Things Lesbian and its contributors are not responsible for the personal interpretation of any advice given. Advice written here is the opinion and suggestion of the author, and the decision on whether to take said advice is completely down to the individual reader. We're not professionals - we're simply here trying to make things a little easier for you. Enjoy!

Question 1: Out With the Old, In With the New?

Q: My ex and I started a successful company together, so not being in each other’s lives is not an option. Long story short, we were together 5 years whilst I suffered depression and anxiety and my partner had insecure and jealous tendencies – our relationship was toxic for the most part. Through stress, we broke up and she moved on and got a boyfriend while I continued therapy.
 
Despite failing to win my ex back, I did my best to move on and started seeing someone new who is amazing. However, my ex saw how well I was doing through social networking sites and now wants to work things out. Should I try and figure things out with my ex or should I move on with this new girl? I don’t want to let anyone down. – S* 

A: Honestly, it sounds like you answered this question for yourself. You said "our relationship was toxic". Toxic! Do you really think that's something you want to get back into? 

Whether or not your anxiety issues and her jealousy issues have been solved, it sounds to me like moving on is the way to go. And I know that sometimes seems hard - we've all be through it! But in this case, it sounds like you are doing well with this new girl, and starting afresh is sometimes what we need in life.

As for not letting anyone down, sometimes we have to be a little selfish. That may sound extremely self-centered, but either way, one of these women will be upset about the decision you make. You should be selfish for once - choose the girl you want to be with based on your own happiness.

Good luck!

*This question has been edited due to length and structure.

Question 2: Can a Man Be a Lesbian?

Q: Is it possible to be biologically male, but feel and almost desire to be a lesbian? Or is that just a straight male fetishizing? – M 

A: It would be extremely easy to come up with a feminist, anti-male response to this question. Alas, I believe that your inquiry is sincere.

Any fan of The L Word will remember Lisa, the "lesbian identified man". Now I have to say, I have a male friend who is exactly like him. My friend - we'll call him Kevin - is a guy who would gladly have sex like a lesbian in forfeit of experiencing sex like a "regular" heterosexual man. What I mean is, he would much rather go down on a girl and not receive anything in return. (Fun side note: Kevin is a self-professed fan of lesbian music such as Tegan & Sara, Robots in Disguise, and Uh Huh Her).

Although there are many sides of this question to consider such as "is this guy being sincere?" and "Is this guy simply being a bigot and fantasizing a little too hard?" I would argue that the actual desire for a guy to be a lesbian is completely normal. Of course, there are a handful of the male population that are simply fetishizing when it comes to this fantasy, but to my knowledge, the range of human desire is so diverse that this could be entirely possible.

Another argument could be that you are actually questioning your gender identity, in which you may want to look up some trans/genderqueer support groups, such as THIS ONLINE ONE, which is UK-based.

***

Wasn't that fun? I hope it helped!

To get your question in for the February issue of All Things Lesbian's advice column, email allthingsles@gmail.com in which your email will remain completely anonymous!

(If your problem was not answered in this issue, it will be carried over to an upcoming month. Some questions may not be published at all, but ATL tries our best to reply to each and every email, so send in your questions now!)