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Friday 14 June 2013

Lesbian Advice #4: Am I Asexual?

Disclaimer: This advice column is completely confidential - all questions are anonymous and the author will never reveal an inquirer's identity. All Things Lesbian and its contributors are not responsible for the personal interpretation of any advice given. Advice written here is the opinion and suggestion of the author, and the decision on whether to take said advice is completely down to the individual reader. We're not professionals - we're simply here trying to make things a little easier for you. Enjoy!

Question 1: Does She Really Like Me?

Q: I met this girl. She already knew me because she recognized me from a Christian gathering. We became friends pretty quickly, like more quickly than with most people I usually meet. We're very comfortable with each other and there is no awkwardness at all, except when we're leaving each other (weird, right?)

I'm not exactly the type of person people can get close to so easily. I never talk about what I feel with other people, but with her I'm easily able to just say it. I find myself reading her texts over and over again sometimes, and hoping that she would text me, even when I ended the conversation.

The thing I'm confused about is that I don't exactly feel the usual "crush" feelings I get when I like someone. Usually when I like somebody, I am quiet and reserved around my friends if they're near, and I'll often look down. I'll also be nervous, and my heart would race faster. With this girl, I am not at all shy, or nervous. I am very open and happy around her. I don't feel like I like her, but there's just something that makes me want to be around her, to hold hands with, or to talk with. Is it normal to not feel nervous, or experience that feeling of adrenaline rush through your body when you like someone?

I'm not sure if she's even gay, because she is a religious Christian (also from Korea, the land where gays do not exist in their eyes). However, she has shown signs that are usually perceived as being interested in someone, or even liking them.

It also makes me wonder why I'm gay. Like, am I gay because I yearn for the care that girls are able to show to you that guys can't? Because I'm not sexually attracted to girls, I'm emotionally attracted to them. With guys, I'm sexually attracted but not emotionally. It's all very confusing to me.

But I’d like your opinion. Does it seem like she's just being super friendly towards me, or is there something beneath what she's doing?*

- F

*This question has been edited due to length and structure.

A - Hmm, where to start?

First of all, the way you describe her actions towards you does make it sound like this girl is into you. However, we all know that when we like someone, we can sometimes amplify or modify the meaning behind these actions. In other words, we often see what we want to see.

The only thing to do is make a move and see how it goes. Maybe you should ask about her feelings towards homosexuality before doing so. Remember: Not all Christians have negative views towards our people! Some, you will find, are very accepting. Figure out her stance first.

As for your 'not being sexually attracted to girls' but being emotionally attached, I think I can shed some light here. I'm no expert in this area, but it sounds to me that you're what some would label a 'romantic asexual' when it comes to girls. What I mean by that is you do not find yourself sexually attractive to women, but rather you want to do smaller things; cuddle, hold hands, form deep bonds and connections.

Again, I'm not an expert in this field, but you can click HERE for some awesome information on asexuality and its twists and turns.

Good luck with the girl and be fearless!

Question 2: Is There Any Point In Trying?

I am a 22 year old femme who decided to try online dating. I was suspicious at first, but then I met this soft butch girl who lived about 40 miles from me and is 20 years old. She said she had just gotten out of a bad relationship.

We instantly made a connection and she seemed too good to be true. After talking online for hours upon end, she asked me out on a date. I was still nervous, so I asked to speak to her on the phone. We talked on the phone for a few days and video chatted and facebooked, and after a week of talking to her every night, I felt comfortable enough to meet her.

She said she really liked me, and I felt the same way. I was having very strong feelings for her, and was excited we shared the same values. After two weeks of talking to her and getting ready to meet her for the first time, she texts me and tells me her ex found about me and is really angry. She said that she came to her house after seeing our posts on facebook and flipped out, begging for her to take her back. This girl had cheated on her with men, and they had a bad relationship for a year and a half. They had agreed to just be friends.

Now the girl I was talking to said that she realized she had unresolved feelings for her ex and that she was sorry but she couldn't meet me. But that she would like to stay friends and thinks I'm an amazing person and she still really likes me.

Personally I think that she had sex with her ex and is confused now...I'm so upset because we really had this connection that I have never experienced before. I still really like her... should I just give up, or do you think possibly she will come to her senses? And if she does, should I try again or is she just an immature bitch?


Confused Femme

A: This situation sounds like it sucks for you, so firstly, I'm sorry to hear that.

It does sound like you really like this girl, but her head (and possibly her heart) are elsewhere. I have been in the same type of situation many a time and unfortunately it'll happen more often than you think.

It looks like you have two choices: keep in contact, hoping that she will soon return to feelings you have for her, or move on. If it were me, I'd opt for moving on. If she really does have unresolved feelings for her ex, there's not much you can do other than let her figure it out. It may not end in your favour, but at least you'll not be stuck with the thought of "when I'm with her is she just thinking about her ex?" And that is something no one wants on their mind.

But who knows? Maybe she'll realize just how much she likes you and give it a shot. Only time will tell in this case, I'm afraid.


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