Lesbian Advice #3: Where's the Butch of My Dreams?

Wow, it feels longer than a month since we last answered your questions!

Let's dive right in and do this.

Disclaimer: This advice column is completely confidential - all questions are anonymous and the author will never reveal an inquirer's identity. All Things Lesbian and its contributors are not responsible for the personal interpretation of any advice given. Advice written here is the opinion and suggestion of the author, and the decision on whether to take said advice is completely down to the individual reader. We're not professionals - we're simply here trying to make things a little easier for you. Enjoy!

Question 1: How To Get Over This Guilt...

Q: Being confused about my sexuality, I did what was expected of me and dated boys. As part of that, I lost my virginity to one and had a regular heterosexual relationship with him for about 9 months. It was never easy for me and ultimately helped me figure myself out.

But now I cannot get this out of my head and I feel awful and trashy because of it. I have nightmares about it, like I was being raped. A lot of guilt and shame. Like I cheated on myself. Any advice on how to get past this?

Thank You,

E

A: Thank you for your question - it's a very important one that I'm sure a few more people out there need he answer to!

Firstly, we should take note of the word 'confused'. If you were confused at the time, clearly you'd have wanted to experiment and find out what you like. And there is 100% nothing wrong with doing that. Some people just need that extra reassurance and have to make sure they're positive when making such a big life discovery.

You should definitely not feel guilty or shameful about what you did in your past. It sounds like the heterosexual relationship you decided to get involved in was a natural progression in your life. In other words, don't put yourself down and have no regrets. At least now you're sure and that's what matters. 

Good luck!

Question 2: Want butch, stuck with femme.

Q: I've finally admitted to myself that I'm a lesbian yay me! I also have my first legit girlfriend who I love more than anything...  but the thing is as I become more aware of myself I become more aware of my preference. She is everything I want in a woman but she's not that butch. I mean yes I'm using labels. I'm a femme, I like butch women and it's not just about the look, it's everything that comes with it. The walk, the talk, the assurance. There are things she doesn't have that I need.

She's very passive; that's not good for me because I have a dominant personality. I feel like I have to wear the pants and that puts me off. Anyway, I've been thinking about going on a break and exploring but we’re planning to move in together sooner or later. I think about this a lot but i'm very wishy washy: sometimes she's my rock and sometimes I don't know what to do.

Anyway I'm plus sized and I don't have the prettiest face in the world. My body and image isn't the way I want it and to be honest I don't think the type of woman that I'm seeking will want someone like me. I mean let’s face it, attractive people are attracted to other attractive people. That's another reason I feel kind of stuck. My goal is to look the way I want by my 21st birthday and see where things take me then.

What should I do? I love her, I don't want to let her go, I don't want to hurt her... but I want to see what's out there. Any advice for me?*

A: Wow what is a complicated life you have!

It sounds to me like you're extremely fixated on the external. Maybe you should look to the internal. Do you like who your girlfriend is as a person? Do you like her personality? Or would you rather just be friends? Because to me, it sounds like the latter.

One thing I always advice against is 'going on a break'. To me (remember: don't take my words as gospel!) going on a break is just a transition between being together and breaking up. Breaks usually ultimately end with the end of a relationship. 

If you are really unhappy with this relationship, there's nothing to do but break it off. And dear GOD, don't move in with her. That's where things could really get messy. It's understandable that you wouldn't want to hurt someone you care for so much, but in this instance, it seems like you need to let her down easily.

In terms of your own body type, don't put yourself down! Women come in all shapes and sized, and self-hatred is not going to get you anywhere. Do what makes you happy. If that's going on a diet and hitting a gym, then go for it! It can be a great confidence boost. If being happy means eating cakes and watching television, that's fine too!

At the end of the day, everyone's just looking to be loved. You never know, the woman of your dreams might pop up when you least expect it...

*This question has been edited due to length and structure.

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