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Friday 24 January 2014

Editorial: “Everyone Loves A Lesbian”

by Bo Sellers

While attending the BCS National Championship game with my uncle and his fraternity brothers, I hoped we’d discuss the impending win of our shared alma mater, Florida State, while simultaneously engaging in drunken debauchery.  However, the boys club was a little more interested in trying to “understand” my sexuality.  I spent the entire pre-game answering a lot of pretty stereotypical questions about being a lesbian.

“What constitutes ‘sex’?”  “Who’s the ‘man’ of the relationship?” “Don’t you miss c*ck?” etc.  However, my fave question was a little deeper.  “Why did you “choose” to be gay?  No one else in the family is.”  I immediately launched into a programmed comedic-monologue of sorts I’ve performed many times over the last eight months.  “As far as YOU know.  No one else in the family tells dick-jokes for a living either.  It’s pretty safe to say I’m the black-sheep of the fam.  I won’t miss c*ck because my ex taught me you don’t NEED one, and if more women find this out men are going to be in big trouble.  I didn't “choose” to be gay, I was born this way because I’m an attention whore and everyone loves a lesbian, especially baby Jesus.”

While explaining to these Southern gentlemen multiple benefits of being a lesbian, it occurred to me they were less interested in logistics and more interested in developing material for their spank banks.  Amidst our discussion, I was able to develop a few pretty sound arguments for God’s condonation of all things lesbi and his blessing for as much sex as possible.

5.  Synced Periods - If God wanted to hinder lesbian relationships, he probably wouldn’t have designed women to have concurring periods with the lady friends they spend the most time with.  Allowing for just as much sex, if not more, than straight relationships, obvi God appreciates the love between lesbis.  Deductively, it could also be argued that God loves gay boys even a little more because they’re relationships are entirely period-free.

4.  Sharing is Caring -  Chicks can share a restroom stall without raising suspicion to sexual foreplay, which is totes a benefit for lesbi relationships.  Once again, allowing for optimal sexy time since you can literally eff whenever and wherever there’s a bathroom.  Even if you aren't down for bathroom sex, when you go home with a lady you can borrow some clothes in the AM to make your journey home without looking like a sloppy-shacking-whore on your walk of shame.  

Which segues nicely to my next argument…

3.  We can eff from any angle - Whether you like being bent over couches, effed against walls, or playing with each other’s poonahnahs parked in front of a 7-11, where there’s a will, there are a gazillion ways to get your lady friend off from any position without having to worry if your partner’s “dick” is gonna slip out from an awkward position.  

2.  The tongue is one of the strongest muscles in the human body - I’ve drank way too much coffee today to focus on researching the validity of this statement, but my tongue absolutely has more stamina than any other muscle I’ve ever used.  If vaginas were a canvas, the tongue would be the sturdy brush that paints the most brilliant lines, while putting a “p” in a “v” more closely resembles hammering a giant bolt into a birthday cake when it fits better with a steel bridge.  Which would totes shred the cake and require more clean-up.  That’s why rainbows are so effing fab.  Obvi it’s God’s artistry from licking the earth’s vagina.

1.  Two Moms - Anyone who’s ever had a, even half decent, mother wouldn’t object to having two.  Moms are the best.  Not to knock dad’s, but I was raised by a single mom and it sure would’ve been nice to have a spare nearby after she died.  Women are naturally more compassionate.  Lesbian relationships not only provide super loving families, but can take turns stretching out their bodies to shoot babies from their poonahnahs.


If baby Jesus didn’t love lesbians, he sure wouldn’t make being one so effing convenient.  He’d probably make lesbianism more like trying to find parking in Los Angeles, impossible and resulting in a ticket that can only be cleared by delivering your first born in a gold-plated onesie.  Next time people express interest in my sexuality, I’ll just direct them to this article with a flip of my hair and a snarky “kthanksBYYYYYYYE, I’ve got p*ssy to lick.”