Editorial: Choose Love

by Bo Sellers

Realizing I was a lesbian a short six months ago, I’m still dealing with the repercussions of  coming out. Technically, I was never closeted because as soon as I realized I was gay, I felt a weight off my shoulders and was overwhelmed with joy, so I began telling my closest friends and family members. About two months ago I came out publicly on Instagram. Granted it’s not the most traditional approach to updating people of your sexuality, but judging from the various conversations I've had with friends and family over the last few months, there really is no right way or right time...

I’ve always done things the best way I know how, which is through humor. I’ve laughed with a lot of people about my revelation, making jokes to enable a certain level of comfort for everyone privy to my newfound sense of self. But the truth is, it’s not a joke and I refuse to laugh at it any longer.

I’m gay.

When I first came out, I told people I was “bi but preferred women.” I’ve realized now it was a safety-net I allowed myself. Still coming to terms with my own preferences, I wasn’t entirely sure what I was feeling, but since most people need a label to understand something, I gave them one.

It’s been extremely difficult to handle everyone’s reactions. I’m crying about it much more than I ever imagined, but coming from super conservative southern foots, with multiple pastors in my family, it’s definitely going to be an uphill battle. It hurts to hear my love referred to as a “sin” or a “phase.” I’m also learning that people are discussing it behind my back, which is interesting as no one will bring it up in conversation with me unless I do. I never thought I would hear my own sister say “I don’t know if I’d ever come to your wedding. I can’t condone it” has been one of the biggest smacks in the face.

This wasn’t the topic I planned on discussing for my first article on “All Things Lesbian,” but it’s important to me, and if it helps even one other person feel less alone with their own struggle, than I’ve accomplished my goal.

I can’t broach this topic without also mentioning the extreme support I’m receiving from old and new friends I never expected to be there for me. I’m choosing to focus on the positive people in my life and remind myself how blessed I am for them.

Although we may feel like it at times, we aren't alone in this world. We are all highly connected and need to continue to love and support one another.  Fear and hate are no matches for love. By loving everyone, even in my darkest moments, I hope to prove life is worth living and all what we choose it to be.  

Choose happiness. Choose love.

Lesbian Advice #5: How Do I Come Out To My Parents?

Disclaimer: This advice column is completely confidential - all questions are anonymous and the author will never reveal an inquirer's identity. All Things Lesbian and its contributors are not responsible for the personal interpretation of any advice given. Advice written here is the opinion and suggestion of the author, and the decision on whether to take said advice is completely down to the individual reader. We're not professionals - we're simply here trying to make things a little easier for you. Enjoy!

Question 1: Coming Out.

Q: I'm only 14 years old, but I'm struggling with coming out to my parents. Any advice on how to do this?

- Anonymous

A: Many of us (the LGBTQ crowd, that is), have had experience with this. The honest truth is, there's no correct answer. But don't let that scare you!

Coming out to your parents can be one of the most important things you'll ever have to do. Others live their entire lives without telling anyone except their close friends. One thing is obvious: most people regard their parents' opinion as valuable, hence why people see coming out to them as something they need to do right.

Sometimes, coming out to your parents can be easy.

For example, a relative of mine was once wearing a pin which read "Friend of Dorothy". (Subtle, right?) Anyway, once his Father saw the accessory, this is how the conversation went:

Father: Does that mean you're gay?
Relative: Yes, can I go in the bath now?

That was genuinely the entire conversation. I kid you not, some parents will take it as lightly as that. Others, however, will react differently. My experience with coming out to my parents, for instance, was not so plain sailing. But at the end of the day, your parents will still love you.

No matter what their religious beliefs, political background, personal upbringing, etc., your parents will love you even if your sexuality is hard for them to understand. And anyway, at the end of the day, it's your own happiness that really matters.

I'd suggest dropping subtle hints if you're not entirely comfortable with just telling them flat out. Replace that Channing Tatum poster on your bedroom wall with a picture of your favourite lady. If you're feeling bold, stick a pride flag up there. Ask them in conversation what they think about the debate on gay marriage.

My one main piece of advice would be to remember this: it gets better. It's a cliché  but it's so true. Even if they take it badly, one day you will be free to leave the restraints of your home and socialize with other like-minded people. Don't worry, you're not stuck there forever.

And who knows? Maybe your parents have already taken the hint!

Question 2: Why Does She Make Me Feel Invisible?

Q: I have been with my girlfriend for three years. We seem to fight a lot. We are going to try living apart and dating. But I'm wondering a couple of things... When we meet her friends, people she knows, or anyone we talk to, she: 1) Doesn't introduce me. And 2) Will keep standing between me and the people she talks to. It makes me feel really sad and invisible. Why does she do that?

 - C

A: This one hits home pretty hard for me too, actually.

I was once in a relationship with a girl who tried to shield me away from the people she spoke to. However, it turned out in this instance that she was just over-protective. Maybe your girlfriend is the same. Some people can feel threatened and believe that people will find you more interesting or attractive when compared to them.

However, there are a multitude of reasons that could be causing her to keep you at a distance. 

The only way to get these questions answered is to ask her directly. I understand that this may be hard for you, but if you let her know that it upsets you, maybe she'll back off a little. This sounds like something you can solve easily if you only let her know about how you feel.

Talking things out is really underrated. If only someone had told George Bush Jr. that... But I digress.

Good luck!

***

We love answering your questions here at All Things Lesbian!

To get your question in for the October issue of All Things Lesbian's advice column, email allthingsles@gmail.com in which your email will remain completely anonymous!

(If your problem was not answered in this issue, it will be carried over to an upcoming month. Some questions may not be published at all, but ATL tries our best to reply to each and every email, so send in your questions now! What have you got to lose?)

Jodie Foster Finally Comes Out!

If you haven't heard by now, you're a little late to the coming out party.

At last night's Golden Globes, Jodie Foster officially came out publicly, in a rousing, tear-jerking speech.

Although criticized for being so indirect about the whole thing, Jodie was brave and came out in her own unique way to millions of people across the world.

Most people are angry that Foster avoided saying the words "gay" or "lesbian", and avoided blatantly stating the subject as much as she could before actually saying it.

She (comedically) stated "ladies and gentlemen, its time to tell you... I'm single", which people also got angry at. COME ON, she was doing it for comedic effect, which was only exacerbated by the fact that people already knew what she was talking about before she even said the words "coming out".

Jodie continued to thank her sons, her ex-partner and the public for enjoying this journey with her, leaving many stars including current Glee star, Kate Hudson, wiping away the tears.

At the end of her speech Jodie, exposing her emotions to the full, said "[I want to be] not so very lonely."

In my eyes, the way she went about it was only more poetic and memorable - people criticizing her should rather be thanking her because of the fact that she finally did something so terrifying on a huge world stage.

Not to be outdone, of course, show's host Amy Poehler closed the show by saying "we're going home with Jodie Foster. Goodnight!"

Hilarious.

But, on behalf of all of the LGBT community, thank you, Jodie. Thank you for showing the world that someone can be so successful and wonderful and talented and be in the media spotlight and still be part of our way of life.

Out Lesbian Actress Amber Heard Attacks Closeted Hollywood

You gays have all (excuse the pun) Heard of Amber, right?


Well, if you haven't, she's one of the few openly gay actresses (who is also known for her modelling), who is known for her roles in Pineapple Express, Zombieland and most recently, The Rum Diary.

Today, UK newspaper The Telegraph reported the following quote from Amber.

One of Hollywood’s few openly homosexual actresses, Amber Heard criticises those stars who remain in the closet.
“You can’t respect yourself if you’re afraid to be who you are,” says Heard, 25, who appears opposite Johnny Depp in his latest film, The Rum Diary.
“It requires bravery to do something no one else around you is doing, but the risk was outweighed by the possibility of playing into this horribly detrimental lie that some in Hollywood perpetuate.”

(Source | The Telegraph)

Now personally, I'm not sure how I feel about this. I mean yes, it would be perfect if all of the closeted actors and actresses could come out right now and support the gay community, but I think we're all forgetting about the well-being of these people and their families.

For most stars, their art is their source of income. By coming out of the closet, they're more likely to face homophobic discrimination, especially when it comes to them being cast in new jobs, not to mention closed-minded parents who would attack them for being 'bad role models' to their children.

I'm not supporting homophobia here, I mean HELLO, I write a lesbian blog. But I think the way in which Amber is suggesting that all gay celebrities should just come out like she did is out of the question, at least in the current political climate.

To me, calling their lives a 'lie' is extremely disrespectful. Every member of the LGBTQ community knows how hard it is to come out when you're not in the limelight, never mind when you're under so much pressure whilst being watched by the public.

What I'm trying to say is yes, it would be wonderful if we lived in a world where these public figures could freely be themselves, but there are also underlying circumstances and factors of personal choice that blur the lines slightly.

National Coming Out Day

Hey you gays!

So yesterday was National Coming Out day. The day to tell those selected people that you're gay, or indeed tell them your "coming out story".

I'll start you off with the lovely Portia de Rossi's take on the whole situation.

[My sexuality is] a part of me that I really like. But it's not the totality of me. It's not a passion of mine to become political in any way, but I do think it's important to see gay men and women having big careers and very full, rich lives.

(Source | AfterEllen)

Amen. I personally agree with every word.

Okay, my turn.

I knew I was gay from the time I was around 8 years old. It wasn't until I was 14 that I got my first girlfriend and told my closes friends that I was attracted to women, but they accepted it straight away and didn't give it a second though. (I guess that's just my generation). I must have been around 16 when my parents found out.

My Mother, bless her, caught me watching The L Word, and asked me if I was gay. When I said yes, she reacted in a bad way. She came home from work crying on several occasions, and my Dad said it made him feel sick. Out of guilt, I told her I was kidding, and I went back in the closet for another year.

However, I couldn't stay in there for long - it wasn't who I was. Playing "straight" wasn't my forte, even if I did look kinda femme. This time, they were much more angry about it. Not upset, but angry. But after time, I introduced my parents to a girl I was in a serious relationship with.

They didn't like it, but they accepted it. They even let her stay over at my house; something that a couple of years previously wouldn't have even been an option.

So my "story" isn't the most thrilling and it's filled with passive aggressive homophobia, but it's still mine. I'm so proud of my parents now, because they accept me for who I am.

Which reminds me: it does get better.

Now it's your turn.

Tell me your coming out stories below! Maybe yours is funnier or happier than mine.

Don't be shy!

Home Sweet Homophobia

Remember when I came out and my Dad was "fine with it"?

Well, turns out he's changed his mind.

The most annoying thing is, he has ridiculous reasons for not liking my homosexual status.

Here is a list of some of the things he has recently said to me:

• "You're just ruining your life before it's even started in my opinion." - Yes, because having a gay lifestyle means your life is ruined. Just because it's not how you live, doesn't mean some people don't enjoy it.
• "If I find out someone's influenced you, I'll stab them. I don't care who it is." - Okay, a) You wouldn't stab anyone. In fact, you wouldn't touch someone gay: you're a fucking coward. And b) No one influenced me to be gay. Actually, that is the most absurd thing I've ever heard.
• "I don't think you're gay. I think you say you are because your friends are. You're doing it to be fashionable." - Yes Father, I also dye my hair ginger because my friend has ginger hair. (Sarcasm, by the way.) And fashionable? Yeah, constantly having homophobic comments hurled at me and people like me is extremely fashionable. Douche.
• "You can't tell anyone in our town. You won't even be able to walk down the street." - I don't know how you haven't noticed that around 30% of our town's population is gay or bisexual. And also, everyone in Tuxford already knows I'm a raging dyke and not once have I felt insecure whilst walking down the street.

There are other things he's said, but those are a few of the most recent ones. Ridiculous, right?

However, I have an awesome Mother who accepts me for who I am. I love her.

The motto of the story? Don't let anyone tell you who or what to be. Be yourself, always.

I COME OUT!

Yeah. I've given you 3 celesbian outings this year, and the fourth one is mine!

That's right, I came out to my parents yesterday.

I'm pretty much already out to everyone else anyway: members of my family and my friends already knew.

I know you're also probably thinking 'You should come out to your parents first!' But I have good reasons why I didn't. My Dad especially is usually extremely homophobic and my Mother cringes every time a gay person is on TV.

Also, I knew I could trust and rely on many of my friends and family more than I could rely on my parents not to judge me. Sounds really bad, but I just couldn't.

Anyway, you should all know that the whole experience has been quite strange, but I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Turns out, they weren't overjoyed, but my Dad took it way better than I thought.

I encourage anyone to come out to their parents, but only when they feel they are ready. You'll feel so much better when you have.

I've also started the poll (on the right). Tell me if you've come out or not yet, and leave a comment to explain you have or haven't!

Some coming out stories in the comments might be interesting too!

Ladyhawke Comes Out!

Yep, that's a third celebrity outing on the blog this year.

For any of you who don't know, Ladyhawke is a New Zealand electro-pop goddess.

Her album titled 'Ladyhawke' won 8 awards in 2009 in NZ alone. It's really quite good, obviously. I'm a huge fan.

This is also why I felt the need to tell you, 'cause she really is amazing at what she does, and this news makes her even better!

Apparently, she came out in an interview with Stuff, and is in a fully-committed lesbian relationship.

Awesome.

Amy Winehouse Comes Out

You've probably already heard about it, but Ms. Amy Winehouse is the second Brit this year to have come out of the closet!

Amy, who is best known for her soulful songs such as Rehab and Back To Black, recently came out after she admitted she had a crush on Britain's answer to Megan Fox, Girls Aloud beauty Cheryl Cole.

Apparently, Amy said:

"So what? I like girls as well. I have had relationships with other women but that doesn't mean I don't still love Blake. There is something about being with a woman that is very satisfying. I don't care what people think about me being bi — I do what feels good."

I, for one, never saw this coming. We often hear of Amy's undying love for Blake in the news, but it's nice that she felt that need to be honest and let us know.

Oh Amy, we do love you.

First Celesbian Outing of the Year...

As far as I know, British singer Lady Sovereign is the first Celesbian to come out of the closet this year.

For the record Sov, when you look like that, we already know you're gay. ;)

Anyway, just last week, pint-sized Sov came out on the British version of Celebrity Big Brother.

As soon as she entered the house, the show's presenter, Davina McCall, began rumours claiming that little Sov was a great dyke.

And guess what?

She was right!

Last year was a great year for lesbian and bisexual celebrities coming out of the closet, gaining more visibility for 'our kind'.

I'm sure we all have a list of starlets who we wish were gay and also a list of who we know are gay but just haven't confirmed it yet. (Think Jodie Foster.)

But who will be next?

I have my fingers crossed for Jessica Capshaw. (Yes, I know she's married. To a man. Just let me dream, dammit!)

Clem Does It Again.

I've blogged time and time again about the coming out and going back in of The L Word star Clementine Ford. But hopefully, this is the last time I'm going to have to mention Cybill Shepherd's daughter for a while because... CLEMENTINE IS ACTUALLY GAY!


And for real this time: we can officially label Ford a new addition to our list of celesbian friends.

Clem finally cracked this week and said:

I am gay. I just wanted there not to be this big emphasis on it. There are people who get it, and get what my original meaning was. Just as I was talking about storylines being a non issue on The L Word; it should just be these people are gay and it’s part of life. I think with that article, and what came across as ambiguity, was actually my attempt at making it a non issue.

So there you have it, the 'ambiguity' stops there. Welcome to the fold, Ford.

Clementine Ford comes out!

I for one thinks that Clementine Ford, daughter of legendary actress Cybill Shepherd and currently the star of original lesbian TV series The L Word, is totally talented and extremely hot.

So when she mentioned in the February edition of UK lesbian and bisexual magazine 'Diva' that she preferred not to label herself, imagine how happy I was.

Ford said "I never want to put a label on myself — but knowing that not everyone comes from such a liberal place, when something like Prop 8 comes out, you realize it’s important to stand up and be counted. A little gay kid in a small town is more important than whether I want a label."

There has been speculation over whether the lovely lady is gay or bisexual, but my guess is that she is bisexual, as she has been married to a guy before... Still, great visibility for us homos!

She also told the magazine that her and her siblings would bring both guys and girls home, and 'as long as they were human, it didn't matter.' Amen to that!

For an unbearably charming video of Clementine, go here to watch her being harassed by lesbian comedy legend Liz Feldman.