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Wednesday 30 January 2013

Lesbian Advice #1: Ex Dilemmas & Identity Questions

Welcome to the first issue of All Things Lesbian's new advice column!

We decided to start this monthly article after being repeatedly asked for advice, and what better way to answer them than on the blog, right?

So, without further ado:

Disclaimer: This advice column is completely confidential - all questions are anonymous and the author will never reveal an inquirer's identity. All Things Lesbian and its contributors are not responsible for the personal interpretation of any advice given. Advice written here is the opinion and suggestion of the author, and the decision on whether to take said advice is completely down to the individual reader. We're not professionals - we're simply here trying to make things a little easier for you. Enjoy!

Question 1: Out With the Old, In With the New?

Q: My ex and I started a successful company together, so not being in each other’s lives is not an option. Long story short, we were together 5 years whilst I suffered depression and anxiety and my partner had insecure and jealous tendencies – our relationship was toxic for the most part. Through stress, we broke up and she moved on and got a boyfriend while I continued therapy.

Despite failing to win my ex back, I did my best to move on and started seeing someone new who is amazing. However, my ex saw how well I was doing through social networking sites and now wants to work things out. Should I try and figure things out with my ex or should I move on with this new girl? I don’t want to let 
anyone down. – S* 

A: Honestly, it sounds like you answered this question for yourself. You said "our relationship was toxic". Toxic! Do you really think that's something you want to get back into? 

Whether or not your anxiety issues and her jealousy issues have been solved, it sounds to me like moving on is the way to go. And I know that sometimes seems hard - we've all be through it! But in this case, it sounds like you are doing well with this new girl, and starting afresh is sometimes what we need in life.

As for not letting anyone down, sometimes we have to be a little selfish. That may sound extremely self-centered, but either way, one of these women will be upset about the decision you make. You should be selfish for once - choose the girl you want to be with based on your own happiness.

Good luck!

*This question has been edited due to length and structure.

Question 2: Can a Man Be a Lesbian?

Q: Is it possible to be biologically male, but feel and almost desire to be a lesbian? Or is that just a straight male fetishizing? – M 

A: It would be extremely easy to come up with a feminist, anti-male response to this question. Alas, I believe that your inquiry is sincere.

Any fan of The L Word will remember Lisa, the "lesbian identified man". Now I have to say, I have a male friend who is exactly like him. My friend - we'll call him Kevin - is a guy who would gladly have sex like a lesbian in forfeit of experiencing sex like a "regular" heterosexual man. What I mean is, he would much rather go down on a girl and not receive anything in return. (Fun side note: Kevin is a self-professed fan of lesbian music such as Tegan & Sara, Robots in Disguise, and Uh Huh Her).

Although there are many sides of this question to consider such as "is this guy being sincere?" and "Is this guy simply being a bigot and fantasizing a little too hard?" I would argue that the actual desire for a guy to be a lesbian is completely normal. Of course, there are a handful of the male population that are simply fetishizing when it comes to this fantasy, but to my knowledge, the range of human desire is so diverse that this could be entirely possible.

Another argument could be that you are actually questioning your gender identity, in which you may want to look up some trans/genderqueer support groups, such as THIS ONLINE ONE, which is UK-based.


Wasn't that fun? I hope it helped!

To get your question in for the February issue of All Things Lesbian's advice column, email in which your email will remain completely anonymous!

(If your problem was not answered in this issue, it will be carried over to an upcoming month. Some questions may not be published at all, but ATL tries our best to reply to each and every email, so send in your questions now!)


Anonymous said...

So the character of Lisa is actually based on a real identity/personality? I thought it was just some Hollywood thing. I'm not sure how accepting most lesbians would be of a male lesbian, no matter how sincere he may be. I know for me it confuses the life out of me, as wouldn't they essential just be straight male?

Anonymous said...

"It would be extremely easy to come up with a feminist, anti-male response to this question"

If the response was anti-male it would not be feminist. Feminism is the struggle for gender equality, so anyone making an anti-male comment would be sexist.

If a biological male identifies as a lesbian they would be a gay transwoman, which is more common than you might think. Sexuality doesn't have much to do with gender - all sexuality and gender combinations are possible.