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Wednesday, 11 December 2013

Lesbian Advice #7: Can I Be In Love With An Older Woman?

Disclaimer: This advice column is completely confidential - all questions are anonymous and the author will never reveal an inquirer's identity. All Things Lesbian and its contributors are not responsible for the personal interpretation of any advice given. Advice written here is the opinion and suggestion of the author, and the decision on whether to take said advice is completely down to the individual reader. We're not professionals - we're simply here trying to make things a little easier for you. Enjoy!

Question 1: Can I love a woman 30 years my senior?

Q: Hi, I found your blog and I really want a second opinion from you.

Back in 2006, I started playing soccer. Ever since I saw my soccer coach for the first time I have not been able to get her out of my head! 7 years later and still she's my "platonic" love, but I think it's more than that because I have feelings for her. It's out of this world how my world turns round whenever I'm near her.

She's not my coach anymore, she's my team mate, and oh! Did I mention she was 50 years old? I'm 19! And I'm head over heels for her. She drives me insane. I would just like to know if you think it's just puppy love or if I could honestly have feelings for her.

- L

A: There are a lot of factors here. Perhaps you do have feelings for this woman. We've all had a crush on a teacher. We've all had a crush on Jennifer Beals and she's 49!

I'm not one to say that age really matters though. I think you can fall in love with someone no matter their age... but I don't think that's the problem here. What would worry me if I were in this situation would be whether or not I should act on my feelings.

Teachers and coaches are all different about where they stand on dating students and dating former students. As far as I'm aware, there is nothing specifically illegal about dating a former teacher. However, personal morals and ethics differ greatly from person to person.

I would say that if you really think you like this woman, you should try hitting on her. But the best thing to do if she rejects you is not take it personally. You have to respect that this woman may feel that this would violate her personal code of ethics. Do not attempt to persuade and coerce. And if rejection is what you're hit with, deal with it appropriately. Good luck!

Question 2: How can I get through to my ex?

Q: Where to start? I moved to ex's last city in 1998. We continued to have a relationship for about 10 years. But then things got real bad for me. I shut everyone out including my ex. I went away, got my life together, and came back to try and get her back.

I started writing her and she received my mail for about 7 months. She would not talk to me. Recently I saw her and she stared until I made eye contact. Then she rolled her eyes and even more recently closed the PO Box I was using to write to her. She's had that PO Box since 1997.

Did I mention that I used to be a jerk? But I apologized and I want to show her that I'm a different person. Why not just write or call to say stop? Why the extreme? My therapist thinks it's because she's still in love with me but doesn't know what to do about it. What do you think?

- Confused!

A: Okay, I gotta be real blunt here. Just cut it out and move on.

If this woman wanted to speak to you, she would. There are probably underlying reasons of why she doesn't reply. Maybe all she can remember is one particular bad incident that you've completely forgotten about. Maybe she vowed to cut you out of her life when you left all those years ago. Whatever it is, it's time to move on.

Rather than focusing on making her see the new you, teach someone else about what a great person you are now. Hopefully your ex will have accepted your apology and you can move on to new things. It's never healthy to fight for something you probably won't realistically get (I speak from personal experience!) I know that sounds quite brutal, but it's 100% true from what I have seen myself.

Remember that there are always bigger and brighter things just around the corner! Good luck!


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